...because you're behind in empathy and overdue on trust

This has been something roaming around in my head for a while. A long while. It's been evolving and pushing itself inside me. A disdain that grew into a dislike that melted into a muddle of confusion over it and a general "fuckity feeling" about it.

Now before you get any ideas I don't have any qualms about my gender. In fact, that's exactly it. If by some reality altering spell I woke up a girl tomorrow I would honest to god shrug, dress, and go about my day in EXACTLY the same way I would have otherwise.

No, the problem is I don't like our society and how it treats gender. I don't like that women are treated (frequently) as the weaker gender. The softer, kinder, more abstract, emotional-thinking gender.

I don't like that women aren't thought of as people who could go to war, fight fires, do construction work. I know plenty of women who could literally kick my ass. This girl at work would have no problem. She is taller than me, outweighs me, and is still pretty athletic. I have no doubt she could take me down.

And why not? Why would anyone not be fine with that?

Conversely it upsets me dramatically that men are thought of as having to be emotionless. Having to be rational, strong and always the protector, fighter, warmaker, and hard. No crying. No feeling. No jobs like nursing, faggity artists and so forth.
Hell I'm in a field that is vastly disproportionate in gender. I am literally the only male dietitian(in training) I have ever met.

I know plenty exist. I just haven't met them.

I KNOW there are biological differences between the sexes. But they are TINY compared to our similarities. A different balance of hormones and inside-out naughty bits.. big whop. The only serious difference is in the ability to bear children, which, I admit changes up the roles of things a bit.

But otherwise.. why do we do this?

Our gender separated society breeds outcasts. XXY and such people be damned. Trans people be damned to. Damn middling people. Pick a side!

And I think it's just me. I don't get it. I don't see the difference. I don't care about the difference.

I want to treat people like they are people ALL THE TIME. I want to judge them on their merits.


But then there are problems... what if we eliminated the gender separations in say.. the Olympics? Would then the "men" always win in running, jumping, climby things?

I can tell you that my fiancee is a better rock climber than I am.
I'm not joking. Her flexibility and strength to weight ratio affords her more control on the rocks.

But what about the top of the top? Would men dominate? Is it because of the testosterone? What if that were leveled?

But then, if we made gave people control over their hormones would we have a bunch of androgyny running around? OH NOES!

I guess it's just the inequality that gets to me. If you look around you will see it all the time.

*sigh*

I understand where these gender differences came from. How these roles can serve society.
Maybe I'm the odd man out. A stranger living in a world he doesn't understand but wants to save.

But have you ever though perhaps we have a kind of society that is inherently limiting for the species? That focusing on the things that divide us limit us from uniting under the things that make us the same?

That looking at someone's gender and making a judgment can limit searching for the most truly qualified individual?

Perhaps it's just unequal treatment that really gets me down.

And then again, maybe it's the only way it's workable.



EDIT:

I have to add this

One last thing to add to the last post. This honestly just happened recently.

I was helping a customer at the checkout. Bagging things, ringing them up.. etc. I'm a bit flare-ish when I do things. I toss bottles up and catch them in bags and such. I was asked a question by another employee about where a wine was located.

I continued what I was doing while answering the question.

The lady I was checking out honestly said to me "Wow.. you are really good at multitasking.. for a male anyway."

What? honestly? HONESTLY? And she wasn't joking. At all.

http://sketchmind.deviantart.com/art/Storyboard-2-Too-Quiet-125542215

I'll have to post something more substantial at some point here. Must. Sleep. for right now.

I like this one a lot better then the last. Still I dig the style overall.

http://sketchmind.deviantart.com/art/Storyboard-Disappointment-125148294

Fun project. Described in the art.

It's big. Beware.

This is the gym at UNO for climbing. It's actually pretty big. Has difficult to easy climbs. Fun stuff.

I'll take some pictures from up top when I get the chance and of us climbing.

( Read more... )

My camera is ok.. but I could not for the life of me capture this in a way that does it justice. Looks so much better in person :(

The image is 18x24 Done in charcoal. Text box done digitally (it was drawn in but blank).



One of several images I've done recently. I like it. Wish I had a better way to get a digital copy of it.

More to come I suppose once I get the chance.


In other news: Rock climbing has done me so well that I decided to try a bit of free running. I also climbed somewhat up the side of a building at UNO using some of it's texture.

Both are really amateur I assure you. But still. I need good shoes for it though :( Vans = not good at gripping walls :(


Be well folks.

I cannot expound enough how I have found something I am in love with.

Get this: Bouldering.. the act of climbing large complex boulders is called problem solving. The big fucking rocks are PROBLEMS.

I've been climbing three weeks or so now about twice a week, that coupled with some walking I initially lost 15 lbs. Then I gained back 5. I know that five came back in the good way too. I keep looking better and better.

Don't get me wrong.. I've always been decently slim. I just have a tendency to get a little flabby. I want to take this opportunity to not only get in better shape.. but to conquer things. Feel like I accomplished something and see things I've never seen.

Sam and I are going to go out to Moab, Utah and climb with Jeeps (with her family and a bunch of others; as her family does) and while there do some Bouldering or top rope climbing. Heck or even sport climbing.

Sam is already better than I am at climbing and I'm getting better in a hurry. (She's a spry creature, a tomboy as a kid who climbed junk constantly).

One other thing I love: It's so good for our relationship.

We are learning the belaying system of top rope climbing.

Basically you are hooked to a harness, knotted in. There is a rope attached to you that is strung over an anchor at the top of the wall and fed back down to someone who will give you slack but keep the rope tight enough to anchor you if you fall.

Note: It's passive, they just give slack.

We learned knots, equipment, and did climbing that could have.. well killed us if we were free climbing and fell badly. Likely not.. but you'd be pretty fucked up if you just fell flat out.

But literally, I trusted her with my safety. She trusted me with hers. When we get better and attempt harder climbs it will be trusting each other with our lives.
It was.. awesome. Affirming. We encouraged and congratulated each other. Climbed for over an hour and fell down next to each other exhausted.

Good stuff. I encourage anyone to do this if your outdoorsy. It's awesome. I can't wait for more outdoor climbs. Stupid flat nebraska ><

Still.

My answer:

When I was seven I did something foolish.  I was careless and could not see beyond a car in my path when I went to cross the street.  I was young, the car was tall, and I did not see the MAC truck barreling down the road.   I walked out into the road.  Friends covered their eyes because everyone thought I was dead.  I did not hear their yells.  I heard nothing.  The experience is a black out for me.  I remember a fleeting glimpse of my doom.. then:

The black out ends.  I see a truck grill resting against my body.  I can't move.  I can't feel it; I'm numb.  The trucker is out and pulls me away, he can't believe I'm alive.  He can't believe I'm unhurt.  No one can believe I'm alive.  People came out of their house because they heard brake squeals and screams...

I'm rushed inside of my house nearby.. my mom is ecstatic to know I'm alive.

I found out years later that this trucker was visibly shaken.  He couldn't believe I was ok.  My mom said he was grateful that I was, but didn't know how I didn't get hit.  My mom says to this day it was a miracle.

I think during this blackout something happened that is blocked from me.  I worry what I did to avoid death.  I'm worried I made a deal I shouldn't have.  I worry that their is a cost for my life.

I think about it too often to be comfortable.  I hope it was a miracle.  If not I owe something.  Maybe it's best I don't know what.
I can tell you that everything else is true.  I hope that driver is ok.

So yeah. I've been trying to live up my university experience a little and make use of the facilities. They have an extensive rock wall / boulder climb area in our little workout facility.

I recently made use of a rock wall at a local park and then again at a mini golf course. Low and behold I was laughing and having a good ol' time.

So I decided to sign a waver, watch a video and get ready to climb here. I'm so glad I did. I took it easy and did the easier paths.. I'm a newbie. But after an hour I was shaking and dripping with sweat. IT WAS AMAZING!

I've been trying to get into the best shape of my life. Taking full use of my knowledge studying to be a dietitian, walking miles upon miles, climbing trees, doing tai chi. Generally being "outside" and doing "outside" things. Now rock wall climbing.

SO FUN. God I love it. I want to make this a regular event.


On to other matters: anyone have any good ideas for scanning large pieces of artwork done in MESSY charcoal/pastel/chalk?

I have some art ready to be viewed.. alas it is on larger paper and done in those mediums :( Spray on acrylic fixer doesn't seem to help too much. I might just have to get them framed and behind glass.

Happy spring everyone! I hope everyone is well.

So much going on. I miss all of you so much.

You have no idea how often I think of all of you. Pixie, Dream, Trip, Snap (The first fur I actually met), Pup, Greg, Kirian, Mike, Chad, Felineflames (The last firstborn), even Vilani, Fahari, Cp, Foxplay, the pirates I met at MFF, I miss Whitewolf the ARTIST.

I've come full circle. I'm the same person I was.. but ENTIRELY different.

I'm exhausted.

I love you all. You all shaped who I am more than you will ever, ever know. You all mean so so much to me.

And all those I didn't mention, which there are a few. Don't think I didn't think about you. I did.

I did. All too much.

Such a peaceful song...

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun
Along the long road and on down to the causeway
Do they still LIVE there by the cut
There was a ragged band that followed in our footsteps
Running before time took our dreams away
Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground
To a life consumed by slow decay

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded
The nights of wonder

Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide
At a higher altitude with flag unfurled
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed up world

****

Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
There's a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we've been so many times

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river

The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river

Forever and ever

So.. Yeah. I haven't used this in forever. And I know why.

I've.. changed. So completely. By my last entry I started to realize how many things were moving, and how many more were going to. I've realized how some things change and how some stay the same.

And now I've realized that during all this moving and shaking... I've left some of the things I really loved behind. And one of them was the connections I had to people online. My livejournal, my deviantart. Two things interrelated.

Anyway, onto the title. I'm engaged, Samma and I have been dating over a year, and I proposed. I'm still in school, still studying to be a dietician.

I'm taking an art class, and I've improved. Art will be coming eventually.

The wedding will be on May 15th 2010 I believe. Not set in stone... like limestone.. easily breakable, but kinda there, can cause disease.. wait.

Anyway, I'm being hugged, I'll update this later.


Hope you all are well. I have more to write. I promise.

Looks like some grades are starting to settle:

1.67 or 2.0 in Chemistry. (aka: C- or C) I would like a C, but unfortunately I skipped a couple of quizzes and it's seriously hurting my grade. Hopefully I'll pull it out with a damn nice final exam score.

4 credit hours on that one.

2.0 in the lab. Easy. Couldn't quite get a 2.33, was close though. I skipped two labs, or else I'd have an B.

1 credit hour.

4.0 in Tai chi. I'm good at Tai Chi. I did all my homework and attended most all of my lessons. Practiced at home.

1 credit hour.


3.67 in Psychology II. Barely am going to get that A-. And this involves me doing very well on the final... but I should. I really put my nose to the grid iron in that class.

3 credit hours.



??? hopefully 2.0 in Calc II. I'm really not sure on this one. There is NO C- grade. So it's either D+ or C. And I'm sitting damn near 70. 69=D+ and 70=C. If I fuck up ANY it's a D+. If I work hard next week I can keep my C though. I really really can. I shouldn't worry too much.



Still.


If I were to say.. get a D+ = 1.33 that class is five credit hours.


Without that class:

(3.67*3)+(1.67*4)+4+2= 23.69

I'm taking 14 credit hours, I need a 2.0 to keep financial aid. So 28/14 = 2.0

28-23.69 = 4.31 left over Means I could get a D in Calc II and still get my 2.0. OVER 2.0 in fact.


But I intend on getting a C. Calc II is the one class I'm betting low on so I hopefully can be surprised.




Bottom line:

I passed all my classes. With over a 2.0. And I'm replacing TWO F's on my cumulative with two new grades this semester. (meaning the 0's are stricken from my cumulative and the new grades replace those credits.). My cumulative might just hit 2.5

1. I keep financial aid going for next semester.

2. I'm back in school. To stay. And I fought hard to get back in, and get my financial aid going again. Woot.

Note: Honestly I actually understand every single thing I typed out here. Honestly... ok, maybe I don't deal much in hyperbolics or complex numbers, but I do understand the very basics and that that final equation was found using a power series of a complex number and a couple of taylor polynomials.

• 
  Every new engineer must learn early that it is never good taste to designate the sum of two quantities in the form :
  
  1 + 1 = 2     (1)
  
  
• Anyone who has studied advanced mathematics is aware that:
  
  1 = ln e
  
  1 = sin² x + cos² x
  
  
  Further
  
  Σ from n=0 to ∞ of 1/2n = 2
  
  
  
• Therefore, Equation (1) can be expressed more scientifically as :
  
  ln e + (sin²x + cos²x) = Σ n=0 -> ∞ of 1/2n      (2)
  
  
  
• This may be further simplified by use of the relations:
  
  1 = cosh y*sqr(1-tanh²y)
  
  and
  
  e = lim (z -> ∞ (1 + 1/z)^z
  
  
  
• Equation 2 may therefore be rewritten as follows:
  
  
  ln (lim (z -> ∞) (1 + 1/z)^z + (sin² + cos²) = Σ n=0 -> ∞ (cosh y*sqrt(1-tanh²y))/2n        (3)
  
  
  
  
• At this point, it should be obvious that the Equation (3) is much clearer and more easily understood than Equation (1).
  
  Other methods of a similar natural could be used to clarify Equation (1), but these are easily discovered once the reader grasps the underlying principles.
  
  
  
  

---

Oh.. and additionally. For anyone who is deeply into religion and the belief of god


e^{i * pi} + 1 = 0


That shit doesn't happen randomly. AMIRITE???




Ok, I'm done.


I hate math. But I love it. But I hate it.


Fuck I hope I get a C in this class.

Heya, I'm sorry I've been so absent. It's just my classes all ramped up in difficulty and between working, classes, girlfriend, etc.. I've been swamped. Though I love the girlfriend. I promise.


Anyway, I had a question, any chance anyone downloaded and kept that comedy set I posted of mine? It was about 5 to six minutes and of bad quality.

Due to a run of bad luck I lost ALL copies. My ipod was stolen, my hard drive crashed, the tape was taped over. Uhg.

And to be honest, I'd just like to have a copy of it. So if anyone by any stretch of the imagination has it...


I hope everyone is well, I will do my best to check up on everything over the weekend here.

Much love.

-Jason.


(Oh yes.. and I'm not in danger of failing anything.. but I am in danger of a couple of C- grades.. which will not work for ensuring future financial aid.) Must. Work. Hard.

So, my car went out of commission months ago. No good eh? We all know about that. So I've been borrowing a friend's backup car since, until I could scrounge up several hundred to buy a car of my own.

No worries about me not returning the generosity. I put about $400 into said friend's car in the time I've had it.


So.. I bought an Acura Integra. Oh sweet lord.
For $750 dollars. So..


The bad:
230,000 miles. No joke.
87'
Passenger door handle broken from the outside.
Needs brake pads in back and could use an alignment.

---

The rest:
Runs fantastically, five speed, manual.
New timing belt, new lifters, new (and grippy as hell/basically made for street racing) clutch.
All tinted windows. Sunroof, very little rust, clean, no dents.
Fluids stay at level, no leaks. Starts easily every time.
Low to the ground, K&N filters, chrome muffler and exhaust.
I have no problems with the transmission. Has a cd player thrown in, decent speakers.
30mpg - Hell yes whoa.

And this little fucker FLIES.

I'm serious.. it's.. impressive.

The car tops out at 130mph, and can get to 90 in all of like.. what 10 seconds maybe? I'm not sure. The guy I bought it from is very mechanically inclined and has maintained the car himself. It just is getting old and he doesn't wants to focus his attention on bigger and better.


He wanted $950 or best offer. But wanted to sell it in ONE DAY. So he was willing to bargain.

He took $750. And based on how this car drives, I'm very happy with that.


That's a lot of miles, I know. But it's also an impreza that has been well maintained. I look forward to putting a little work and effort into making it even better.

(Brakes, alignment, probably new wheel bearings) Hell, eventually I'd even like to get the small amounts of rust taken care of and the car repainted. (I hate white).



It's louder then a little car should be (OMGRICERIWISHIWERECOOL), but you'll be thankful to know: no spoiler, no stupid shit like lights or decals. Just tinted windows and new exhaust.


I'm officially POOR as HELL now though. But the car is mine, flat out. Insured and soon to be registered. I'm happy ^^

Matchbox 20 was... phenomenal.
Love alanis Morissette (aka: God).

Excellent show.

Pictures eventually.


Thinking of buying (I still need a car) a 89 Jeep Cherokee. Lots of work done to it. Looks beat up, but an absolute tank with four wheel drive.. Hopefully it'll carry me through a few months until I hit the summer and can churn out some real money.


Pics later.

Got those earrings in today.

Whee!

Saturday: Went out to Sokol Underground here in Omaha and saw Vinyl Haze with Sammy. Then went to The Run and danced (after hours, her being 19 and all).

We both got a little tired and anxious later on in the night, so we ended up headin' home.

Sunday: Went out to PF Chang's with Ben, X, Sammy. We all had crazy vegetarian food. Later, went out and got my other ear pierced at Big Brain Omaha. Been meaning to do that forever. Then went to go see The Phantom of the Opera at The Orpheum. Right Loge seats too, could see everything, it was wonderful.

My first time seeing it. It was fantastic. Really. Really was.



Eventful weekend. Bought these for my ears:

http://bodyartforms.com/productdetails.asp?ProductID=1280

Ooo. Simple, kinda nice. I will like.


Aaand I'm spent.


PS: If your wondering, only 16g. *shrug* Works for me.

A big bag of cereal (practical). (Good vitamin content, feed me for days). Milk (my choosing, because it's a better way to eat cereal), and... a 6pk of beer. It's my last $20 bucks. (Frivolous).

Oh fuck, myspace angles!

( blargimdead )

Imma go to class now. Fuck.. I just cannot get moving today.

Happy Valentines Day!


The day: Well, we were planning a double date with some of Sammy's friends. That seemed well. I was gonna finish up a picture I had been working on and give it to her there. Have some food and fun and it would be a decent day.

Then Sammy's friend (Stephanie) got broken up with. Unfortunately sucky, and there is a whole deal to that I'm sure. But on my end, this obviously ended those plans. I feel kinda bad in retrospect for relying on someone else to plan. But, you know.

So hum: I asked her if she would be cool with doing something Early this morning. We usually stay up kinda late; it wasn't a stretch. That way, if all went fuck all bad with the day we at least did something.

So I went home (later then I meant to) and finished the picture early. It didn't come out quite as well as I thought, but it was sentimental and kinda neat, I think. (Additionally I don't have a copy to show, I meant it to be one of a kind, no copies.) I got done by 2 am. I had already picked up some flowers, and planned to go to the Ihop where we had gone on our first date.

Trust me, that isn't special.. but I was kinda planning on a pinch here.

I should've brought a tea light, damned! Anyway, gave her flowers, she liked picture, we hugged, we had pancakes.

This is the first valentines day I have not been single. Yay!

Hopefully we can at least go see jumper. I really wanna see jumper.


EDIT: Jumper is supposed to be pretty bad. I still want to see it, but now I won't go in expecting it to be great. 18% on rotten tomatoes.


So.. I'm not really sure what is going on today, but I have work to do at least until 7:45.


ON THAT NOTE :

I've been fucking off on my classes for the last week or so. BAD JUJU. I will correct that immediately. It's been planned fucking off, and time decently spent.. yet still. I had a short talk with Sammy last night and she made me see it from an outside perspective. Easy classes or not, I'm playing with fire: And it is in fact weighing on me.

I'm still doing fine. My chem lab is a "C" though. She really is a bitch >< That's the one class I HAVEN'T really been fucking off in. That and Calc II. So.. screw her.

Gotta go do well on a test now.


Ja ne.